Finding forgiveness

I sit here this morning with tears streaming from my eyes.  Upon waking, I could immediately tell that I was in a place of 'feeling' today.  Not exactly sure of what I was feeling, but noticing that something was going on inside.  I noted a sense of being unworthy, but why?  

As I reflect on my ebbs and flows of life, days like today typically follow days in which my tanks are full of connection, laughter, friendship and fun.  

I become curious.  Curious to understand what's going on. There is a strong possibility that I am being trauma triggered today.  As I lean into my past, I realize that deep down I struggle with self worth.  Am I rejecting the gratitude of how many people CHOOSE to show up in my world today because I feel unworthy?  Or, am I afraid of feeling so full of joy with connection for the fear of losing these relationshipsthat I cherish so much.  

I find myself wanting to hide from feeling unworthy today.  I try to go back to sleep, or numb out on Netflix....neither of which provide any relief.   I find myself unable to sleep and uninterested in Netflix.

I turn on a mediation on staying open and present in the today.  I like the way I feel after listening to this. 

I start going through the pictures on my phone of memories...and I allow myself to feel the joy for all of the lives God has placed in my circle.  And then, I am flooded with thoughts telling me how unworthy I am.  

If I could wave my magic wand today, I would feel worthy in this moment.  What do I need?  Today, I need to validate myself today through my God that never sees me as less than.

I turn on my Christian playlist and I praise God.   Despite how hard this feels in this moment, I lift my eyes to the sky and I feel a sense of peace.  Despite my mistakes, I remind myself that I still make God proud.  After typing this I feel the river of tears flow...I think I have found my hang-up today.  

People I love have, and will continue to act in ways that my heart feels hurt from.  I choose to offer them grace and forgiveness for their human ways.  Who am I to judge another?   I have my own flaws that continue to pull me away from being my best...and yet I have people who still choose me in their life. 

I think what I need today is to forgive myself for hurts and hang-ups I have committed. 

Trauma trigger: Yesterday I wrote a letter to Jacqi and Allie's mom.  A letter I don't know that I will ever send, as I fear that I am trying to elicit a sense of control of the healing in this situation.  But, as I owned my truth of the events that may have contributed to the breakdown of my relationship with Jacqi and her mom, I realized that I am judging myself in such a harsh way, and transferring this to being an unworthy human.  

So, as the day unfolded with feelings of joy and connection I started attacking my right to feel this way when I am such a sinner...an unworthy human.  Yuck, I am my own worst bully.  I don't want to feel this way.  

I remind myself that forgiveness starts inside.  In order to find peace today, I must be willing to accept God's GIFT to me.  If I can see a woman that is doing her absolute best, I can feel compassion and forgiveness for her.  Life is tough, but this girl is tougher.  

What I know about Amanda Lorraine Twila Shoehorn Erwin:

  • She has a heart SO big
  • She loves children with all her heart
  • Being a mom is the greatest gift she's ever been given 
  • She is all about family and relationships
  • She is loyal
  • She is witty
  • She is a BIG kid
  • She is weak in the presence of chocolate and pineapple pizza
  • She enjoys working out
  • She has a smile that lights up a room
  • She is her most authentic self when in the mountains
  • She is a life learner
  • She could benefit from being a little kinder to herself
  • She is prudent
  • She is a team player
  • She loves holding hands and cuddling
  • She is full of curiosity
  • She is artistic and creative
  • She is a glass is full kinda girl- always striving to see the silver lining
  • She loves traveling and hiking
  • She loves wood burning candles
  • She never quits
  • She is WORTHY of being and feeling loved
Affirmations:
  • I am already enough
  • It’s ok that I make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes
  • My feelings are valid
  • It’s safe to be seen
  • I am safe and I am loved 
  • Feelings are not facts


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