Bouncing back from setbacks

Recently, this concept was shared with me: stay open to everything and closed to nothing.  I’ve been thinking deeply about this concept and what it means to me personally.  I feel that some pain I have felt over the past few years has closed my heart off…I am NOT ok with this state.  I am working to find my way back to my peace.   Yesterday I was inspired by two young men to open up to the possibilities of the day… and I am SO grateful I crossed paths with them!   Most of the week I lacked energy and motivation.  While this is likely the result of my medication in combination with the time change, I was feeling a desire to feel better.  I committed to myself that I would go for a run and let my body decide the pace and distance.  I was excited to finally feel good enough to get out and be active!   After about 1 1/2 miles, I was getting tired.  Running into the wind and the ever-so-slightly uphill was challenging me.   I was determined to keep going and lean into the mental discomfort.

I am preparing for a new chapter in my life.  A chapter in which I will truly have the freedom to choose my own path.  Since as far back as I can remember I built my life around what other people needed from me.  I have served the role of ‘mom’ for 20 years.  Now I will be stepping into Amanda- who honestly, I should have always invested in.   This idea of freedom both excited and terrifies me.  I am at a job that no longer serves me, in fact it robs my joy.  Yet, I am too afraid to leave.   I do not have friends to engage with on the weekends.  My weekends are very isolating and lonely.   My kids are growing up and finding their ways in life: they no longer need their mom to take care of them.   My family is dispersed all over the country…I do not have extended family nearby.  I think about all of these things and I reflect back on what I CAN control.  In each one of these situations there is a me element that I can invest my time and energy into.  The idea of truly being free is new…

As far back as I can remember, I have been searching for external validation that I’m loved.  I have this memory of when I was like 10-12 years old.  I remember being home in the evenings with my brothers until dark, waiting on mom and dad to arrive from the work day.  My brothers would tease me and tell me I was adopted, and I wasn’t loved.  They would convince me this is why I was the only one in the family who had red hair.  I believed them.  Not knowing how to deal with what I was feeling, I would run away.   Our family dog was kept on a runner out in the woods just past our backyard.  Her doghouse was at the very end of the runner, farthest from the house.  This is where I would go and sit by myself waiting on someone to come looking for me.  Searching for validation that I was loved.  “If they love me they will come find me” I would think.   I would sit out there for hours, waiting.  I don’t remember if anyone ever found me, but I do remember hearing them come outside and call my

When I am disturbed,  it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me . I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.    AA   Here it is Monday morning, and I find myself feeling emotionally unregulated, exhausted, needy, wronged, down, and confused.  I want my mountain peace, but since I can’t have that today, I want to crawl under my blankets and stay there.  I need to get my thoughts out.  These feelings feel too heavy to bear and I long to be held.    I was so excited to go see my parents for an overnight.  What I wasn’t expecting was for it to be so difficult emotionally.  The amount of codependent, critical and controlling behaviors felt overwhelming for me to witness.  The more I lean into healing, the harder it is to be around these actions.  I feel like I go right back to desiring my old habits of ‘take care of me’  and ‘take care

I attended my group meeting Tuesday night and I was SO proud of myself for not only showing up, but being willing to be vulnerable.  I cried while I was sharing, and if I’m being honest,  it wasn’t a choice.  The tears were coming whether I liked it or not.  It was the first time I truly slowed down and let my thoughts settle in what appears to be too long… After group I was shown acceptance, kindness, and compassion from my group friends and I felt sad, but accepted and loved.  I really feel like I belong here which feels really cool!   The next day however, I was hit with this surge of insecurity, fear, and anxious abandonment triggers.  As much as I wanted to feel ok…I didn’t.  I used all of my tools…and I still felt heavy.  This led me to feel embarrassed and frustrated.   This is my life…and I want to decide HOW I feel, yet I just couldn’t snap out of it.   After talking through some of the possible connections to the abandonment issues I feel, a light came on.   I am NO longer th

Take aways: I love coaching people who are in a space to learn.  I choose people in my life who are soft, open and work to honestly deflate their ego.  I am so blessed to have been chosen to lead Andrew these last few years.   He is my forever buddy. I’m a giver by nature… I really appreciate when people reach out to make time to connect with me.   I like staring at the ocean waves as they crash into rock formations where I can also feel comfortable with the temperature.  I don’t care to sit in the hot sun all day.  I am definitely a west coast mountain girl! I have become stingy with ‘my’ money, and I desire to lean back towards generosity.  I am scared-excited for my next career! I still enjoy the thrill of a roller coaster! I was triggered many times during this trip, and mentally I’m exhausted.  I am successfully learning how to set boundaries and detach from other peoples responses.   I went into this Make a Wish trip hoping to help Andrew have a great time.  I feel I did my absol

Looking out at the vastness of the ocean water as the waves make their rhythmic movements towards the shore, always has me reflecting on life.   I look out as far as I can see…I just can’t see the ending.   I watch the waves…then I close my eyes and just listen.   Sometimes the waves are smooth and subtle, other times they come crashing in so hard their intensity causes white caps and a loud clapping sound.   Isn’t this life?   I have days where I couldn’t find a worry if I tried, and others where the waves of life feel so powerful that I fear they may pull me under.   As I sit on the sandy shore, close to the shoreline, I watch the ebbs and flows of each wave.  I can predict when the next wave will come crashing inland.  It never misses a beat. The rhythmic motion and sound is ever so calming.    I don't have any control over when or how the waves move, but there are forces acting upon them.  Something much greater than myself is propelling the force to drive them towards the shor