Acceptance is the answer
When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
AA
Here it is Monday morning, and I find myself feeling emotionally unregulated, exhausted, needy, wronged, down, and confused. I want my mountain peace, but since I can’t have that today, I want to crawl under my blankets and stay there. I need to get my thoughts out. These feelings feel too heavy to bear and I long to be held.
I was so excited to go see my parents for an overnight. What I wasn’t expecting was for it to be so difficult emotionally.
The amount of codependent, critical and controlling behaviors felt overwhelming for me to witness. The more I lean into healing, the harder it is to be around these actions. I feel like I go right back to desiring my old habits of ‘take care of me’ and ‘take care of them’ again. This makes forward progress feel impossible.
AND my dad is emotionally abusive and isolates my mom. It has been a long time since I witnessed the intensity of behaviors I did during this visit. At one point, mom stated she would love to see her friend but dad won’t take her. “Have her come pick you up?”, I reply. Dad gets very angry, and says 'NO'. I push back and voice that it's her life, and he states 'I will divorce her'.
You can see the tension in his face as he glared at me and my mom. Mom looks at me with this fearful expression and says whatever she can to try to calm dad down, reassuring him she won’t go. I find myself visually flashbacking to being a child and witnessing this controlling behavior to my mom and my brother. I want these flashbacks to stop. In this moment, I regret coming.
It is so hard to see these actions play out. And it’s hard to have her look at me longing for me to help her. It breaks my heart that her life is so hindered, and that she doesn’t stand up for herself. I’m angry at my mom for not leaving. For choosing my dad over herself and for not valuing her worth, robbing herself of living a life she desires. I’m sad for the life she’s missing out on.
I care deeply for my parents, but I don’t want to see these difficult details of their relationship, because I feel this surmounting pressure to fix it… that’s the role I have felt all of my life. "Amanda, talk to your dad, mom would often say. You're the only one he will listen to". The longer the abuse continues, the more I blame and shame myself for failing to fix it.
I see a mirror of the demons inside of me that I try so hard to fight away. Control, criticism and codependent behaviors that I endure the effects of, and constantly think about letting go of. This weekend I saw a part of myself that I don’t like.
As a child, I remember feeling angry at my dad. Then, as I learned more about abuse, I had sympathy. I know dad was abused much worse during his upbringing. No doubt, he probably had a much harder life. I get that he didn’t/doesn’t have the tools to deal with his issues. He is doing the best he can with what he has. This doesn’t make today’s actions feel acceptable to me. Today, I see a man who is closed off to growth or accountability.
There are moments I cry for his pain, and moments I’m angry at him for what he did/does and for what he didn’t/doesn’t do.
It’s so confusing, as he genuinely shows care for me and even protects me. I am a daddy's girl. ME…not my mom, or siblings. I think, how could I be angry at someone who treats me well?
There’s a part of me that will always love him, but I do not respect the partner he is to my mom or the anger and control he chooses to act out.
I hope to be a partner that is soft and open. I want to be a wife that allows space and freedom for individual needs. I want to encourage my partner to be their best self and celebrate their wins along the way. To encourage their unique gifts to shine.
I want to live an example that my kids can follow to be the healthiest versions of themselves. I want to always have an open door, and show up as much as I can. I want to stay open to growth and improvement.
It’s NOT my job to fix my parents. It was never my job. It's time to let this go. Time to surrender the hurts and hangups and let God sort out the rest. I'm still trying to sort out how to do this.
Interestingly enough, the Alanon daily reading for today was on Letting Go. It reminds me that letting go is not giving up. I find encouragement to mourn the losses I feel, and accept the many valuable lessons I have learned along the way. I need to be ready to move on, and let go.
I desire freedom. I don’t want to feel the need to parent my parents. I want the chains of control to diminish. I can’t control anyone else. I know there is something I am still needing to learn from this. Something I don’t yet see.
I want to get away from Kansas…. I question if I’m running away, but I am not. I am running into a life I choose.
I do love my mom and dad, and I genuinely enjoy time with them, outside of their house. This is where we can put on our happy faces and forget about what goes on at home. Dad is so different in public. This is how I want to remember him. I can’t help but imagine that this is the man he could have been all those years if he had sought help. He is truly the one missing out through it all.
The weekend ended with a trip to Braums where we shared laughter and jokes. This is the memory I want to hold onto. My parents being free to express themselves and enjoy the journey.
I appreciate how giving and accommodating my parents were during my stay. They had a bed set up and all ready when I arrived. Mom made me dinner and stayed awake to visit. They were genuinely excited to have me around for company. They kept Oaks while I went hiking. Dad made me pancakes for breakfast. Mom stocked me up with snacks for my hike. With what little they had, they gave so much.
At the end of the day it’s the heart that matters most. It is not my place to judge or fix any person or situation. I find peace when I choose to love the best way I can and offer an open heart for forgiveness and peace. I am disturbed today because I lack true acceptance. This is something I CAN control. Today, I shift my focus to giving back to others. That’s important to me. That's where I find my zeal.....
What can I focus on to shift my mindset:
- I am grateful for the work I am doing to stop this cycle
- I am able to recognize how I am feeling
- I am willing to seek support
- I am not giving up on my self care
- I have made improvements in my codependent/critical/controlling behaviors
- I can look within for what I need today
- I can stay open and take up space I deserve
- I can create a life I love
- I can choose my own path of parenting
- I believe my parents love me
- I believe my parents care for me and my well being
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