Love

Love is my gift to the world.  I fill myself with love and I send that love out into the world...  

Wayne Dyer

I fill myself with love...this must happen first.  

This morning I awaken for my first full day in Vancouver.  No alarms, no clocks, no wake up agenda...wake whenever, and let my body decide the pace of the day.  My room is a chilling 62 degrees, so I turn up the space heater to a ‘shower appropriate’ 74 degrees.  

I lay under the warmth of the covers and I take time to think about how I am feeling.  What thoughts am I having?  How is my mood?

I initially find myself wishing I had someone here with me to enjoy adventures with.  I visually scroll through the images of my loved ones and I and how we would be living up this adventure together.  I decide not to stay here though.  This trip is for ME, to learn to spend time with myself.  This shifts my focus to a chapter of self healing I am keenly attuned to, being more aware of what's happening internally and learning how to be with and seperate from the internal sadness I feel.  My personal journey is to no longer feel alone.  

Being a whopping 44 years of age, if the cards stack in my favor, I have approximately 40 years left to figure this out...lol! 

I immediately think about my anxious attachment style, and how throughout my lifetime, I have projected onto others a need to be 'parented' or 'fixed'.  I find myself crying, but not sad.  More like a purging of the old me and effects I have had on relationships.  I am ready to move into a space of self acceptance and self security.  I am willing to learn how to be my own first best friend.  

I notice that I have compassion for myself, and I am able to shift my focus to my sense of agency and freedom.  Freedom from externally searching for my value and worth.  While I know I have a tremendous support group, I feel no 'need' to reach out for help managing my emotions.  I find myself able to meet my own needs in this moment, and that feels good!  Look at me being all grown up...lol

I have been struggling with the sad child within who I feel is crying out to be held, acknowledged, validated, and soothed by those around me.  For the majority of my lifetime I was unaware and perhaps unwilling to look this child in the eyes and validate her feelings.  Today, I hold little Amanda so tightly and validate the truth of her feelings and experiences.    What she is feeling is her truth.  

I feel this strong sense of hope for the discovery of the secure girl I am searching for.  This girl that was created with great purpose to show up to the world as a beacon of light.  To love herself so deeply first, and then to spread that love out for others to experience.  

In this moment, I feel excited!  I can’t wait to get out into nature to push my abilities, take in the serene visual experiences, and find peace in being still.  There is just something about mountain nature that brings me a calm I have never experienced in Kansas.  I feel on some level I have judged myself for not being able to find true joy in the plains.  Not today though...I acknowledge I am a tree hugger by heart.  I love this about myself!

I am so blessed for the space I have to start my day with a reflection of self, and freedom to move freely through the hours I am gifted.  

I am so blessed to have this opportunity to be here in nature this weekend.

I am so blessed to have a body that allows me to get out and adventure and explore nature.

I am so blessed to have such a community of people who genuinely care for me and enjoy my company.

I am so blessed for the willingness to continually work internally on myself.

I am so blessed to have an open heart and a desire to repair and restore relationships.

I am so blessed to have a child like spirit and an honest love for fun and laughter.

I am so blessed to have a God who will never forsake me.

I am.....so blessed.