Bouncing back from setbacks

I attended my group meeting Tuesday night and I was SO proud of myself for not only showing up, but being willing to be vulnerable.  I cried while I was sharing, and if I’m being honest,  it wasn’t a choice.  The tears were coming whether I liked it or not.  It was the first time I truly slowed down and let my thoughts settle in what appears to be too long… After group I was shown acceptance, kindness, and compassion from my group friends and I felt sad, but accepted and loved.  I really feel like I belong here which feels really cool!   The next day however, I was hit with this surge of insecurity, fear, and anxious abandonment triggers.  As much as I wanted to feel ok…I didn’t.  I used all of my tools…and I still felt heavy.  This led me to feel embarrassed and frustrated.   This is my life…and I want to decide HOW I feel, yet I just couldn’t snap out of it.   After talking through some of the possible connections to the abandonme...

Take aways: I love coaching people who are in a space to learn.  I choose people in my life who are soft, open and work to honestly deflate their ego.  I am so blessed to have been chosen to lead Andrew these last few years.   He is my forever buddy. I’m a giver by nature… I really appreciate when people reach out to make time to connect with me.   I like staring at the ocean waves as they crash into rock formations where I can also feel comfortable with the temperature.  I don’t care to sit in the hot sun all day.  I am definitely a west coast mountain girl! I have become stingy with ‘my’ money, and I desire to lean back towards generosity.  I am scared-excited for my next career! I still enjoy the thrill of a roller coaster! I was triggered many times during this trip, and mentally I’m exhausted.  I am successfully learning how to set boundaries and detach from other peoples responses.   I went into this Make a Wish trip hoping to help Andr...

Looking out at the vastness of the ocean water as the waves make their rhythmic movements towards the shore, always has me reflecting on life.   I look out as far as I can see…I just can’t see the ending.   I watch the waves…then I close my eyes and just listen.   Sometimes the waves are smooth and subtle, other times they come crashing in so hard their intensity causes white caps and a loud clapping sound.   Isn’t this life?   I have days where I couldn’t find a worry if I tried, and others where the waves of life feel so powerful that I fear they may pull me under.   As I sit on the sandy shore, close to the shoreline, I watch the ebbs and flows of each wave.  I can predict when the next wave will come crashing inland.  It never misses a beat. The rhythmic motion and sound is ever so calming.    I don't have any control over when or how the waves move, but there are forces acting upon them.  Something much greater than myself is p...

As the weather warms up, my opportunity to get outside opens up.  Today, the weather was beautiful!  Highs in the 70’s, blue skies…and it isn’t bug season yet!  This girl was ready to hit the trail!  As I started hiking I became aware of feelings I was experiencing, and I noticed them roll off.  There is something magical about being in nature.  I felt excited for the upcoming travel and hiking opportunities I have planned.   I felt stressed about how busy the next two weeks are going to be. I felt lonely for the people I love that I’m not feeling connected to in this season.  I had a moment of intense sadness as I realized Allan’s girls didn’t feel I was a safe place to go to when they were hurting.  I feel like I failed to show them how much I care.  My eyes welled up with tears and I felt disappointed with myself. Within minutes of hiking, I felt this peace come over me…It felt like this whole body peace.  I could stay out on thi...

While the idea of going pants-less today was appealing to me, it was discouraged by several in my close circle.  Since I HAVE to wear pants today, I chose to put my brave pants on…and they were useful more than once!   This morning shortly after arriving to work, I found the courage to call my current employer with the intent of sharing my 6 month exit plan, and to gain information on how professional references work.  I have been kicking this conversation down the road for a while now.  Fear of change, and possible failure have been my major hang ups… But today I’m wearing my brave pants…so I called.  Goodbye ‘easy’ way What I wasn’t expecting is that they had a couple options that I may be able to transition into, one of which is an opportunity to bring student nurses onboard to do their clinical rotations with patients.  NO way!!   How cool would that be??!  I love working with students!   A few hours later I was having a conversation with...

  "Every day, make a tiny agreement with yourself and follow through with it" I have this reminder posted on my bathroom mirror and it helps me to focus on the idea that trust starts with me.  If I am unwilling to follow through with my word to myself, how do I expect to excel in this journey of life? When I think of trust I think of trusting outwardly, trusting my family, kids, partner, coworkers...etc. I recently discovered that this is a HUGE area of need in my life.  As I learn to self love, validate and affirm myself, I also see the desire to trust.  I desire to trust that I will be there for ME, no matter what I go through.  I am eager to stop abandoning my desires. As I started to raise my awareness regarding self-trust, it didn't take me long to realize that I could use improvement on my follow through.  For example, today is Sunday.  There is a yoga class at noon I like to go to.   Typically on Sunday when I wake up, I say to myself ...

I am done silencing my story...or at least I want to be.   I have spent a lifetime blaming myself for not being able to stand up to abuse I witnessed as a child.  Holding shame over my head for events that I was NOT and should NOT have been responsible for.   My tears steadily stream down my reddened cheeks.   I try to choke them down, but they insist on making their way out.  Shoot…I need to go to work and I do not want to show up like this.  I do not want to explain what’s going on right now.   In the past I believe I have used justification of the adults’ behaviors as a way of making sense of what happened.   The lies I tell myself: I let the abuse happen because I didn’t do anything about it. It’s my fault I should have stood up, spoke up I am weak I deserve to suffer for allowing someone I love to suffer It wasn’t his/her fault they abused/or neglected care.   I can’t be trusted to be there for others, so I should keep my distance. ...